A New Surrender

I have a confession: There is a hidden piece of the guilt of hypocrisy that I have carried around for far too long.

One of the pillars that has been central to my faith over the years has been the concept of surrender . . . Truly letting go . . . Releasing Control . . . Turning everything over to the Creator. It was something I strived for and believed in.

And then . . . I blew my life to pieces. This certainly is not something a surrendered person does, is it? This type of thing doesn’t happen to a surrendered person, does it?  How could I ever speak of or think of surrender again when my life seems to show the opposite?

There has been subtle guilt around this for many years. Not only that, I have realized that a piece of me has been missing . . . The piece of me that believes in the perfect freedom that comes from letting go: surrender.

I also realized that I had decided, somewhere along the way, that I was no longer eligible for surrender because of external choices and circumstances.

A new and freeing realization came to me today . . .

Perhaps I am not disqualified from surrender.

Perhaps, in fact, the external has little to do with surrender.

Perhaps, in fact, the external experiences and choices are part of the process and growth of internal surrender, a mind and heart that is reborn and free.

And, perhaps,  this is what true surrender is all about.

And finally, perhaps, I am further along than I realized.

The chaos of my mind is becoming more and more unraveled.

The ruts in my mind are slowly being smoothed over to create a fresh path to build my life upon.

I am increasingly comfortable with uncertainty and the unknown and mystery. And myself.

This is surrender.

And it is good.